Missing.....

My girls are blessed with the best possible people on this earth that love and care for them. Grammy, Grandma, Aunties, Uncles, Guncles and 2 of the best cousins ever! But sometimes I feel as though they're missing out.

Not on love, affection or good role models as we have plenty of those, but someone else for them to love. Both (Wayne & I's) dads have passed away - long before these sweet girls were even a twinkle as they say. Wayne lost his Dad (who we refer to as Papa Norman) when he was only 11, and there are so many ways that he misses his dad and things he didn't learn from him. My dad passed away suddenly when I was in college, 3.5 hours from home. It was 17 years this past March and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was devastated and scared and numb for what seemed like forever after he died. Later that year, I met Wayne and finally someone understood me - and not only did he understand me, he understood my little brother as well - win, win. I struggle with my emotions on a regular basis, and sometimes the littlest things, like a freakin' Hallmark commercial will make me sob. Any movie about fathers and daughters makes me a crying mess - I used to love Father of the Bride with Steve Martin, but cannot even fathom watching it now.

Back to our daughters....they are loved by just about everyone that they spend time with. They are sweet and goofy and respectful (most of the time, ahem) and genuinely the best thing we've ever done. But I witnessed something a few days ago that made me feel guilty. Guilty for something I cannot change or every explain to them. We have family in town for Thanksgiving, my sweet aunt and uncle from IL. My girls have very fond memories of spending time with them over their short lives - they are fun and kind and full of hilarious (or not so much) stories of me as a little girl. They teach my girls something new every time they see them and it's so nice to see them develop this sweet relationship with another generation.

They arrived this past Sunday and from the minute they entered the house, Little G followed my uncle around. If he went to the restroom, she stood outside until he was done. She asked to sit next to him at the table. She brought all of her books to him to read to her. And then she put her sweet head on his chest and laid down while he rubbed her back. I had to excuse myself. I was shocked at how that image upset me. Something so "everyday" that had the power to turn me into an emotional boob. What was even more upsetting was that in my head I kept thinking "it shouldn't be my uncle doing that, it should be her Papa or her Grampy doing that".
I have wonderful memories of quiet moments like those with both of my grandfathers. I lost one of them when I was quite young, but still hear from him every now and then in my dreams. My other grandfather I had longer than I had my own father and I remember so much laughter and silliness and knowledge shared at his table.

Ms. J was named after my dad, which has become tradition in my family. I wish she could know how much he would have loved her and how he would have spoiled her and enjoyed her. And for my Little G, he would have loved the fact that she looks just as I did when I was little, crazy hair and all and how she laughs with abandon and is fearless like my brother.

What do you tell your kids when it becomes obvious that someone is missing? For now we say that they are angels who watch over them. How do you share the sweetness of having a grandfather when they'll never know theirs? How can we talk to them about our fathers without scaring them about the idea of death? So many questions that I may be getting ahead of myself on, but I think I need to start figuring out some answers.

Oh My Blog!!!

I've been bad. Very, very bad. I'm back and I really want to have a better relationship moving forward. May I explain?

Since the end of June, my world has been crazy. My mom relocated to Texas from Northern California and arrived Father's Day weekend. The very next week I was presented with a great job opportunity that has provided me with a sense of worth again. Not to mention I love what I do and the pay ain't too bad either.

In July we had Ms.J assessed to bypass kindergarten (her birthday is 9/3 so she missed the cutoff by 2 days). Unfortunately the testing was not what was explained to us and while she did phenomenally in most areas, one of the areas she was just 2 points off where she had to be and that was that. Although in the voicemail that was left giving me to news (yes, it was left on voicemail)they recommended we have her tested for Gifted & Talented in the spring. Huh? I'm still confused by that. So, she's the smartest and most mature kindergartener in the school. I was less than thrilled but I feel that I need to choose my battles and this was not one that would go my way, so I made my feelings known and dropped it. She has the most fabulous teacher and they are like little kindred spirits and it makes me sad to think she could have missed out on being in her class.

Little G is back in preschool, with her favorite teacher and learning so much it's a really exciting to watch her grow. I wasn't sure how she would do being at school without her sister, but she has truly blossomed into a little leader and her own little soul. The Director from last year has returned to teaching at an elementary school nearby, so there was some apprehension of how things would go this year with testing, shots and carb counting. I'm happy to say that she's fantastic and while not at diligent about calling me throughout the day, she is someone that I trust completely.

Speaking of trust. Have a mentioned how FANTASTIC Ms.J's school has been with her care? The school nurse, Mrs. R is nothing short of amazing and she trained every adult (including the principal & vice principal) that will be involved with Ms.J during any given day on how to test her sugar and what to do based on what her numbers are. So far, the principal has been given the task of checking her during a low and one of the PE teachers has carried her from the playground in to the nurses office during a low (it was a bit dramatic, but he panicked a little). It has been so much better than I even prayed for. Certainly makes me feel much better about working 25 miles away from home everyday.

My mom being here has given us another element of support that we haven't had since we moved here. It's nice that Wayne & I can have date night and have a back up in the event of sickness or a late work night. We are truly blessed that she made this decision to move near us - I couldn't have asked for any more.

Happy Halloween tonight and I hope you're all having fun with your littles or the scary little goblins that come to your door in search of sugar filled treats!

Dear Diabetes

Dear Diabetes,

I am writing this letter to you as a sort of state of affairs letter. Four years ago today you came to occupy yet another place in our lives. For the record, you were not wanted then and you are especially not wanted even more so now. You have stuck your ugly nose into all of our business, attempted to ruin plans and caused many sleepless nights. You are like that crazy relative that is asked to leave and never come back. You have overstayed your visit and we would like you gone ASAP. I know you will ignore this request, however I would like it documented that you have been told to leave.

You have not accomplished what you set you to do, and for that I am particularly proud. Ms. J is a happy, healthy, 5 year old who is smart and funny and has become an ambassador for the fight against diabetes. Yes, there are those nights when she doesn't sleep because she's low and I'm checking her every 90 minutes, but there are also times when she eats all her favorite foods and we can still manage to keep her in range. YOU WILL NOT WIN! You will not rob her of her childhood. If anything, you've taught her a very good trait - empathy. I'm proud to say that she's the first person to reach out her hand to a new child at school or church, help someone up that has fallen, or talk to another child that has been diagnosed about how important it is to take your shots and do your testing. She has proudly taught her little sister how to test her blood sugar and how important it is to eat the sugar tabs when Mommy says to. Ms. J is stronger than you and she understands that with every finger poke and every shot she is controlling you, not the other way around. She wants a cure more than you know and she is truly looking forward to the day when you get your eviction notice which will be stamped EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

In closing, you should know that your time with us is running out and we are doing everything we can to find the cure to get rid of your nasty arse.

Sincerely,
The Evans Family

June in Review

June flew by, it hardly seemed like we did anything but then I looked at our calendar and realized that we packed a bunch of stuff into those 4 weeks. We began summer with days in the backyard, looking for bugs and playing in our little pool on the patio. I got a bit of a tan, the girls even more so (with the heavy application of sunscreen even). We prepared for my mom to arrive from California - she and my brother drove out in a moving truck and then he flew back to Cali the next day. We celebrated Father's Day, unfortunately for Wayne it was a disappointment but I'm determined to make it up to him. I interviewed for a fantastic job and will be starting this Wednesday (SOOOOO excited about this). We are still having car problems and have decided to suck it up and just pay to have them fixed rather than replace them. We don't need a car payment right now, but how I loathe the cars we own. SERIOUSLY. Ms. J had her assessment to move into 1st grade (her birthday is 2 days past the cutoff) and it didn't go as well as we had hoped, but I'm working on getting some clarification for the testing that was done as I don't think it was what we were told it would be. Her math skills weren't what they wanted them to be, yet we were encouraged to get her tested for Gifted and Talented in the spring - say what? Her reading is off the charts, which we knew, but I find it odd that excelling in one area would make her a candidate for the gifted and talented program. We also have a new endocrinologist and we are officially leaving Children's Hospital of Dallas - thank goodness! It is not to the endo that I had hoped for, I was sad when we were turned down for an opportunity based on Little G's age, only to hear that someone else that we know was accepted with a child much younger than her. Not that I'm unhappy for the other family, just disappointed and a little jealous.

Wayne did have surgery on his left arm, he has some nerve damage, not all associated with T1, but it cannot be ruled out. They took the ulnar nerve, which runs along the outside of your arm down to your fingers and relocated it to the other side of his arm. They also did carpal tunnel surgery while they were at it. He came through the surgery well and is healing like a champ. He's in a cast up past his elbow and will get it off in 2 weeks and his sugars have been great considering his down time. He's a bit restless and annoyed that simple things like buttoning his pants are more difficult, but he's anxious to get his other arm done sooner rather than later so he can get back to playing guitar and working at full capacity. The right arm will be a bugger because the poor man cannot so much as pick up a fork with his left hand. Should be interesting!

My mom is here now and settled in - more settled in 2 weeks than we are after 10 weeks in our house. She is adapting well to life in Texas and is excited about learning about her new home state. She misses my brother and his family tremendously but knows they are but a plane ride away.

We have been shown an outpouring of love and support over these past few months and we appreciate it more than words can express. If you have thought about us, prayed for us or even read this blog or sent me a note on FB, you are very special to us and we have felt your support. Thank you all!

July is going to be a better month for us and the beginning of much better things for the Evans family. Here's to better days ahead!

Ya Wanna Fat Lip?

Things are crazy around here. They seem to be a little crazy everywhere though. Lots of crappy diagnosises and medical procedures happening to people I care about and I'm wondering if it's something in the air.

Yesterday was a pretty eventful day at our house. Car problems seem to be the bain of our existence right now....three cars, 2 of them don't run at all and the 3rd is just humping along. Wayne has been fortunate to catch a ride to work all week with a coworker, but the stress is not fun. Since I'm not working right now, money is tighter than usual and having to fix or find another running car that's reliable SUCKS. I'm so tired of thinking and worrying about cars - it makes me physically ill.

Wayne's nice co-worker was also nice enough to take Wayne to his hand surgeon appointment. During this appointment Wayne was delivered some sad news that he's having quite a hard time accepting. He is suffering from neuropathy, not all is believed to be diabetes related and he will most likely not be able to continue playing guitar. His left hand is the worst, he has muscle loss on both the outside of his left hand and in that meaty part of his hand between his index finger and thumb. He is devastated. The right hand is not as severe, but there is still neuropathy present. They will be pulling the nerve that goes down the outside of his arm and re-routing it down the other side, he will be in a cast for 3 weeks. Left arm first, then the right. Light duty at work for the better part of 2 months or being home (not a great option for us right now given the previously mentioned financial status and short term disability is not too good).

Wayne's stressed and not sleeping, I'm sleeping too hard (I know this because I'm not dreaming) and eating too much. I'm always stressed, like most D-Moms, so this is nothing new but the level of stress is exhausting - my brain only shuts off when I sleep. Sometimes enough is enough and I'm saying enough.

The capper on the day was last night (I posted on FB about this already - thank you for the words of comfort, it meant so much). At 9:30, Little G said that she felt like she was low and ran into the bathroom to go potty - pottytraining is going pretty well for us - 10 seconds later I hear a scream and a horrible cry and run in to find her face down on the floor, blood everywhere and she's shaking. I ask Ms.J to get her meter and pick G up to see a HUGE busted lip. Get her tested and she's at 39 - WTH? Get some juice, wait 20 minutes and she's at 50. Wait another 10 minutes and she's at 56, again WTH? Call Wayne he advises a full on carb load with a PB&J - down it goes. Thirty minutes later she's at 145. Oh, and during all of this Ms.J crashes on me too....one juice, one PB&J and then she's around 180. I checked them at 1am and both were over 200. I was waiting for that rebound super high number and it never showed up. At breakfast this morning they were both hovering in the low 200's. I'm at a loss for what happened last night, but I think the dog was fed part of their dinner and I didn't realize it when I cleared the table. That's the only thing that I think can happen. I hate losing and I really hate it when D kicks my ass - but it did over and over last night. Diabetes sucks...and I cannot wait for the day that I can kick your awful ass to the curb.

I'm off now to fix lunch, get out of my pjs and go car shopping. Kind prayers always appreciated.

Did I really just say that?

As the mom of 2 children with type 1, I often has people who ask questions, make observations and occasionally that one jackass steps up with a real humdinger of a comment. I always welcome questions and I am happy to educate anyone that takes the time to strike up a conversation. Most of the time I bite my tongue and give a very heavily medically termed explanation for the jackass - I still feel that part of my journey with T1 is that of educator - it might just help someone else or even one of my girls one day.

My post today is dedicated to those jackasses out there that open their mouths and stay the most ridiculous things, either without regards to the person their saying them to or because they don't care. My disclaimer on the little story I'm about to share is that it had been a rough night blood sugar wise, I had a raging headache and PMS was rearing it's ugly head. SO, I might have been a tad intolerant. The only part about this that I feel bad about is that I was in the nursery at church when this conversation took place, so unfortunately I will be seeing this person again. Yeah buddy.

We go to the later service at church, it starts at 10:30, ends at 11:45 - I step out at 11:30 to go check Little G's sugar. I head to the nursery where she's playing with her friends to do this. Last Sunday I walk in, say hello to the gals that are watching all the littles and say "G, come here please, we need to check sugars" to which this other mom, who had been sitting on the floor whips around and says "for what?". I tell her that Little G has diabetes and we have to check her sugars regularly to which she replies "I would just DIE if one of my kids was diabetic, it's just SO sad". There must have been a delay in my censor turning on because before I even thought about it I said "no, unfortunately it would be your child who would die, because this isn't optional and you have to put your big girl panties on and deal with it." Enter that really uncomfortable silence and 2 awkward stares from the teenagers that work in the nursery. I finished checking Little G's sugars, signed her out and said goodbye to everyone. To say I was furious is an understatement and then I ran into the gal who oversees the nursery (who is also a teacher at the school there, so I know her pretty well). I told her what had just gone down and prepared her for a complaint about my harshness and she laughed, said that this particular mom finally ran into someone that would give as good as she got. She didn't expect any fallout from it, and she was right. I'm looking forward to church this weekend....I promise to take my Midol before I go. Maybe with a chaser of Prozac.

My wish is that every person out there that thinks it's okay to not use that censor reconsider how their comments will be taken by the other person...especially if that other person happens to be a mother. Apparently stupidity knows no bounds and I hit max capacity on it last Sunday.

Diabetes Blog Week - We like to move it, move it!

Exercise is necessary for everyone, whether we like it or not. Wayne and I are finally getting back to working out, we know that we are the example that the girls turn to the most.

The girls are very active and spend as much time as possible outside. I think they could easily live in a tree house so long as it had a microwave and flavored water. They love to go for walks, ride their bikes, pull weeds and chase bugs. They spent 2 hours outside this morning learning to use their kiddo-sized racquets to play badminton. They have recess every day at school for 40 minutes, sometimes they're outside, sometimes they're in the gym. The teachers run with them and make sure that everyone is active. We will be starting swim lessons in a few weeks and Little G has just announced she wants to start taking dance lessons. Ms.J has talked off and on about playing soccer, maybe we'll sign up in the fall.

We always check before, during (about 30 minutes in), and after. The girls react differently to exercise, one is high right afterwards, then crashes 2 hours later while the other one will be lower but rebounds 1 hour later with considerable highs. We always make sure they have lots of water and ALWAYS plenty of sunscreen.